Share Your TTC/Fertility/Secondary Infertility Story Blog Carnival

Melissa over @ Simply Mel, posted on theBlogFrog discussion forum about wanting to do a Blog Carnival relating to people's trying to concieve, aka TTC,/Fertility/Secondary Infertility stories.  It's something not nearly talked about enough and yet so many of us go through it.  I know personally, dealing with 4 miscarriages at the time I feel all alone.  As I do not have anyone in my "IRL, in real life" circle who has gone through it, and it's much harder for someone who hasn't gone through it to really understand what you are going through and even though they mean well with some of the things they say, usually they are just hurtful.

My journey started in March 2005.  I was in college and using the pill as our birth control method.  Came home for Spring Break, went to the Dr's for a normal check-up and here I was a week late.  Yep, I was pregnant.  At the time, my high school boyfriend (now Husband) and me were beyond scared!  We had just turned 20.  This wasn't how it was supposed to happen!  I hadn't planned on returning the following year, I wasn't liking school.  So the week I returned I withdrew from all of my classes, packed up, moved back home and found a job.  Hubs proposed to me the night I moved back home.  We planned for a July wedding, wanting to get on his work benefits etc.  And we had been together 4+ years at this point, we had always planned on marrying, perhaps just not in such haste.  And then it happened.  I was almost 12 weeks along and I started to miscarry.  There were 2 horrible things I had to go through with that pregnancy:

1. Going into the dr's and seeing my baby with no heartbeat when I had just see his/her heartbeat a couple weeks prior at a regular check-up. 
2. Was getting ready to leave for work and all of a sudden the miscarriage started happening.  It was the worse 2 hours of my life, to this day, will not go into details but I do not ever wish that on anyone. 

After that I spiraled down the long dark tunnel of depression.  Even planning my wedding my mom took over the reins.  I just could not get myself out of this funk.  Not until the baby's due date of Nov. 15th passed did I finally start to come out of the fog. 

Even though that pregnancy/baby wasn't planned for, it had put the need in me to want a baby.  That's all I thought about & longed for.  We didn't have to wait long before we found out Superbowl weekend 2006 that we were in deed expecting again.  I didn't broadcast it like I did previously, and was very nervous through the whole 1st trimester.  We were blessed with our beautiful daughter Emma Rose 9.30.06. 

Mid September 2007, I wasn't feeling right so took a test and surprise, we were pregnant.  We were thrilled.  But 2 weeks later right before my daughter's 1st bday party, I ended up miscarrying.  I didn't let that miscarriage really hit me through all of that, I had too much other stuff going on that I never actually grieved fully for the loss of that baby as I should have at that time.  That baby's due date was May 23rd. 

The following spring/summer in 2008 had two more miscarriages almost back to back.  The first one's due date would have been December 29th and the second's due date would have been March 17th.  That is when it happened the fall of 2008, I fell into a very bad place I'd never gone before.  Even having my daughter was not filling this void that I felt.  How could I have conceived and carried her no problems and now 3 miscarriages after her birth I seem to have no problem getting pregnant but I can't keep the babies growing inside of me.  I felt like a failure as a woman.  It finally got to the point where I seeked out medical intervention with an anti-depressant pill.  It was like I was in the grieving stages and could not move forward.  I wasn't able to work through what I needed to.  Finally, after several tries I found one that worked for me and life started looking better.

I got to the point in my life where I was ok with Emma being our only child.  Really 5 pregnancies is hard on a body in as little as 4 years.  What health issues will arise if I continue on this path and hurting myself and my body.  Hubby and me were in aggreance.

But as it would happen, God has other plans.  Memorial Weekend this year, 2009, I had a positive pregnancy test, again we were not TTC.  We told no one, not even our mom's for the 1st few weeks.  I decided to be pro-active and demand my Dr see me immediately to check-up on things.  My levels were great.  The 1st ultrasound though alls we saw was a sac.  My heart sank at first but I continued to stay positive and hope that my dates were off, came back the following week and there was my little fighter, her beautiful heart fluttering away.  I went on progesterone supplements as a pre-caution and just took it easy that 1st trimester.  Every couple weeks went back for ultrasounds and she kept on growing right on track.  We had one scare of spotting during that 1st trimester but as it turned out, I was finally one of those women who spotted and nothing be wrong, unlike the previous 4 times, where I saw that spotting and the pregnancies would end in miscarriage. 

Beyond thrilled to say that I'm 28 +1 weeks pregnant.  We are expecting our beautiful baby girl, Avalynn Grace, Feb. 2, 2010.  I really want a 3rd baby, most of our families think we should just stop based on our past.  I'm leaving it in god's hands because only he knows what is right is for us and what we can handle. 

For my birthday this year I went for my 1st tattoo.  I wanted something to remember my angel babies by and got this set of angel wings. The 4 tiny loops, 2 on each side represent each baby to me.  It's on the inside of my right ankle and it now puts a smile on my face every time I see it because these babies will never be forgotten.