10.15.2008

A Time 4 Remembering Always

It's almost midnight, sitting here with my 4 candles lit beside me. As I lit each one, I said the baby's EDD's Month (aka expected delivery date), November, May, December, and March. I am so very blessed to have my beautiful angel Emma with me. But as I'm looking at these flickering flames, I'm thinking of all of the things I will never know about each baby, how they laugh, the sound of their voice, watching them sleep, going through firsts, genders etc.

Through each one I have heard an array of "advice" from family/friends/strangers. I know that it's awkward because you really don't know what to say unless you've been there. One of those odd situations. Usually it just makes me mad/sad/hurt because most people go back to saying well at least you have Emma and you should just concentrate her. It doesn't take away the loss. The grieving process I go through. Remembering always. Most of all I just want people to recognize that it's an actual loss.

I never thought I'd have fertility problems, but real life can be cruel somtimes. But thankfully, I am finally ending my 3rd month since my last miscarriage and will be heading back to the dr's for the batch of tests they want to do. Let's hope we find the answer. Not that I'm ready to try for another baby. Deep down in my heart I feel like I'm done. Yes I'm "young" and can always change my mind but these are my feeling right now. Sorry for the sadness this has turned into. Anyways though I want to share a photo of the candles. My next project is to get some tapers and decorate with ribbon or something instead of the tea lights, but thought the tea light holder was fitting with the 4 spaces.

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3 comments:

Deann said...

My heart breaks for you :( I love you and BIG hugs!!

AudreyO said...

Hi, it's Audrey. Can I offer a suggestion? Talk to those who understand, those who have suffered a loss like you have. They will have compassion and would never never never say "oh but you have Emma" because they'll understand.

I am so sorry for your losses

Ganine said...

Hi, It is Ganine from the Mom blogs.

I just wanted to say that although I haven't had fertility problems, one of my closest friends does and I know the very real pain that you experience. Just hugs... from a stranger. I love the idea of the candles!!